It's been nearly a month since my last entry. It's not that I didn't want to post. I tried a couple of times, but I just couldn't write anything. The holiday season was hard for me this year. This was the first Christmas season since becoming single. The spirit eluded me.
I love Christmas. I love the traditions. I love cutting a tree. I love decorating the tree we just cut. I love going to Advent season church services. I love the Christmas Eve service. I love Christmas morning and family dinner.
At least, I used to love all those things. This year, it felt like all of those things were the property of other people -- not me. It felt like they had been stolen from me.
The gloom finally began to lift at the traditional carols and stories Christmas Eve service. The Christmas story is one of hope and promise. It is hard to not be inspired.
But the mood finally broke at the New Year's Eve party hosted by my friends Gary and Katy. It was a small group, but nearly everyone there was a good friend. There was one moment when I looked around the room and saw a group of good friends who have lived in Aromas for years and who were perfectly comfortable with each other. There wasn't any posturing. Everyone accepted everyone else for exactly who they are. It was safe.
Laura asked me if Aromas felt like home. It certainly did that night.
So on to 2009 and beyond.
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2 comments:
I know what you mean about having a tough holiday. Not in the same way but just as hard. Last year was extremely difficult for me. It was my first year away from my family for the holiday season in my life. I came into a situation where nothing was mine and it was nearly impossible to get something slightly close to what I had back home. I was completely lost. I was suppose to dress somewhat nicely to go eat dinner with family. That was, and still is, a strange concept for me. Why would I want to dress up for people I see all the time and who know how I really dress everyday of my life. I just couldn't understand. And then Casey tried to help me feel better before we met up with the family for dinner by taking me to the beach. I'm glad she tried something but if anything it just made it worse. Who the hell goes to a beach in November. There is supposed to be a chance of snow starting at the end of November you can't be on the beach with 65 degree temperatures. I then had to spend the holidays hiding my love of pies from the freezer section and Coolwhip. I know that other things are better, but to me these are the best. They are what I'm use to during the holidays and they are what make me comfortable. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, but that is how I felt and still feel during the holidays. I'm still trying to find my place in all of this. I'm glad that you have found your place in this new messed up situation and it gives me hope for mine.
Just goes to show the need for us to come up with some new traditions. (Hmm, I think that is an oxymoron.) Anyway, the point is we can create a different way to celebrate Christmas. There are things that are important to each of us that can be incorporated.
Maybe we can start a whole new event. How about Pie Night on Christmas Eve. We can eat frozen pies and open presents after church.
Or it could be something completely different. Whatever. I just want to be able to love Christmas again.
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